is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
She even gives head with a lisp.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
