DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
