I cut my penus on the lid.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
