It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
