if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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