I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
