You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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