you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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