The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Duck Duck Cougar?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
