i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Holy shit dude........stairs
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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