Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
they need to just BURY HIM!
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
