I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
