HIV tests are more positive than that guy
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
