If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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