made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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