i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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