In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
