Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize
