It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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