you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
