why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
