I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I think my vagina is haunted
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
