I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
