He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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