Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
