i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
