i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
honey bunches of taint.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
