her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
