i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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