11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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