My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
