It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Randomize
