highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
