k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
