Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
