Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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