Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
