I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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