I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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