My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
