Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
