dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
