i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
