I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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