dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
