I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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