I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
they need to just BURY HIM!
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
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