3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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