Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
