Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
